I Miss My Old Self…

I miss my old self, when my eyes didn’t need a reason to smile. I was happy to be alive and it showed in everything I did.

My entire existence, I have been known for my enthusiasm for life in general. My first boss was the first to notice it. He mentioned it many a times that he couldn’t believe that I would be so happy just to come to work everyday. This enthusiasm helped me tide over rough period as well. All I had to do was just be myself and good things would eventually happen.

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I don’t think I was ever doing exceedingly well (I mean I was never earning in millions) in my career or even in life but I was happy with my mediocracy. Unlike my peers I was not particularly anxious about future but just lived without any plan whatsoever. I desperately miss this side of me. I want to laugh silly till my stomach aches. I want to think of old incidents and smile for no rhyme or reason. I desire to look at future with joy, hope and positive anticipation.

I hate my current wallowing in self-pity self…Right now I am unable to feel any zest towards life on a day-to-day basis. I somehow move from task to task without any energy or zing. I wish somebody else would live my life for me…I know it is ridiculous to even think like that but I really can’t help voicing it here. I fail to find anything exciting about life right now. All I see is problems waiting to be solved.

Is it mid-life crisis? Possibly yes. In fact, most likely it is mid-life crisis. Isn’t it weird how life changes so dramatically. I really wish I can turn back the clock, not because I want to be younger but because I want to be happier.

Just an update to a few people who visit this blog regularly, I have finally decided to visit a counsellor/therapist to deal with mental health issue. The decision was tough because I have never done it, also because I am from India where these things are generally pushed under the carpet. Frankly, I don’t know anyone who has availed services of a therapist but I really don’t see any other option.I don’t like my present self and I now refuse to live like this. I want a better existence and I shall have it…

To Walk Away Or To Stay Is The Question, My Friend…

As is obvious from the last few blog posts I am on a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride in the last few months. I have been trying to save my friendship with a person for whom I developed feelings. I suspect even he is trying to do the same because he is well aware of the fact that I got emotionally involved. But I find myself asking if it is even worth it?

Whenever in the past I have wanted to break a relationship I have just walked out without ever turning back. Clean break is what has worked for me. Always. I just never believed in slowly cutting off a relationship. I reckon it is more painful if you just postpone what is inevitable. More often than not we do realise that it is over but we are scared to walk away. I generally have not had this issue. Once I realise that I would just be aggravating my agony by staying in a dead relationship, I break all contact and simply just vanish from the person’s life.

This time it is different. For one the relationship is very intense. It started as a friendship led to hookup and then emotional involvement from my side. Any intense relationship is difficult to break off as I am slowly realising. It was easier to walk away from the previous relationships because my involvement was not so intense…

The second problem this time around is that I do have some professional dealings with this friend. Without going in the details I can say that I can easily walk away from this professional arrangement. In fact, even he can walk away from the professional or business dealing without any problem. Am I then just trying to save the friendship under the guise of the professional dealing? Do I then harbour a hope that the relationship can again be what it was? Should I not walk away just for my own sanity if nothing else?

When I think logically I feel it is possible to carry on with the business or professional dealings and totally ignore the emotional aspect. But when it comes to practice it is easier said than done. Talking to this friend is like walking in a minefield.

Many a times I don’t fuck have a clue as to what is going to elicit a strong reaction and why? Also, I feel deeply jealous if he mentions other women he might be having conversations with. I am in fact surprised by the ferocity and intensity of my reactions. Yesterday I was crying for a very long time after he just mentioned some inane conversation with another female friend. And any random mention of our own past association is enough to push me into an abyss of self pity. So how do I go along with professional arrangement in the circumstances?

It is pits…I want the past, which I don’t think is ever coming back again. But the hope that it might keeps me in this weird situation where I am unable to walk out and unable to accept the changed relationship. There is a song in hindi, which pretty much sums it, `Layi vi na gayee tah nibhayee vi na gayee‘, which basically means that neither was I able to love properly nor was I able to walk away.

Even in this state of self wallowing and self pity, I do realise that I have to ultimately walk away. It is going to be extremely painful…to not be able to ever talk to a friend who has been an important and a crucial part of your journey (both on professional and personal front) is unfathomable. And why? Because I am unable to handle my emotions? It sounds lame to me…

It is this back and forth between my mind and heart which has made my life somewhat troublesome and unliveable…

 

 

The Worst two days of my life

Was it even possible to feel the way I have been for the last two days? Like I am in the pit of the earth and am trying to find my way out of pitch darkness with no direction and end in sight.

I have no idea what is happening to me but I cry at a drop of a hat and without any obvious provocation. I force myself to meet the deadline with tears pouring unabated…it seems to be a constant struggle to maintain calm and composed exterior even as I am collapsing inside. Sometimes I cry in washroom; sometimes I don’t try to even pretend that I am fine and there have been times when I have cried in coffee shop. I seem to have lost total enthusiasm, for everything in life and nothing, practically nothing, excites me. I can say without exaggeration that I am suffering from depression. I have tried not to accept the fact even as it stares directly at me.

What bugs me is that I never thought I’d suffer from depression. I always thoughts it was for weirdos, for people who were not able to take control of their lives. I had no such issue and had always tried to make lemonade from the lemons which life served me with amazing regularity. Even now I can’t see what exactly is the issue but everyday seems like a mountain, which needs to be climbed. And I drag myself one step after another…

Possibly the worst part is that if someone asks me a reason for this I will not be able to provide a single reason for my state of mind. Yes of course I am facing some emotional/relationship problems but is it a reason enough to feel this surge of self pity that I do…I don’t think so. Everybody has emotional issues but of late I have started feeling that nobody wants me, nobody cares for me and it is enough to make me feel like the biggest shit hole in the entire world.

Maybe there is no reason why I feel the way I do but I still can’t help but feel the way I do.

Why Don’t I Just Die?

Why don’t I just die? Unfortunately, this has become a recurring thought in my head now. No, I am not going to kill myself…I simply don’t have guts but I do feel an urge to just vanish or simply disappear from my present existence. I don’t enjoy the things I did a few months back. I don’t sleep well and I don’t feel like getting up in the morning, I don’t feel like living through the day…I would be very happy if someone else lived my life on my behalf.

My problems are also not big or for that matter unsurmountable but I just seem to lack the basic will to make it work. I feel it might be better if somebody else was living my life. I am not sure if I am even making any sense here but yeah these are the thoughts in my head.

So, I just decided to hold the bull by its horns in this particular blog to get to the root of the problem. I don’t have any major health issue; I don’t have any big financial issue. Thank God and touchwood!

But yes, my issues are emotional. The last six months have been a roller coaster ride and I don’t see an end to this mess. I discovered that my husband is having a second affair and unfortunately for various reasons I don’t have the option to walk out for two-to-three years. I feel total indifference for him but I still have to live with him for some time. But as if that wasn’t enough I fell in love with a friend, who I know doesn’t love me back. Maybe he does but definitely he doesn’t want a proper relationship. So, the last six months have seen the death of two relationships for me.

It can never ever be the same with this friend and it can never ever be the same with my husband. I am the loser in both the instances. I can never care for my husband the way I did and now I know that he never did. On the other hand, he has found love. I have also lost a good friend…maybe he will be there if I really need him but it is not the same. I used to talk to him all the time and he knew practically everything about me and now there is so much emotional baggage that it is difficult to have a normal conversation.

So you can well imagine, my self esteem is rock bottom right now and I am not sure if I can ever feel normal again. Sometimes I feel an urge to hold my head in my hands and burst into tears in the middle of a meal. I eat a lot of chocolates now but it doesn’t seem to be having any major  impact…I don’t know if this phase will ever end.

 

Friends With Benefit Generally Means Ae Dil Has Mushkil…

A recent Hindi film, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil had me thinking for the longest time. It is a super mushy movie with all sorts of popular ideas associated with romance added in it. During the various stages in life, I have essayed the roles played by the three main protagonist in the movie: Ranbir Kapoor, who is almost obsessed by Anushka Sharma, who doesn’t consider him anything more than a friend. Aishwarya Rai is the third angle who is an older woman and has a no-strings attached relationship with Ranbir Kapoor for a while.

As a young college girl, I was very much in love with a friend, almost to the point of obsession. After repeated efforts I finally had to let him go. But while it lasted, like Ranbir Kapoor, I also couldn’t believe that my good friend had no feelings for me. It seemed perfect…but only to me. So, of course, it wasn’t. Unfortunately I have also been on the other side of the table. I have been repeatedly wooed by a friend for whom I had no lovey-dovey feelings. In fact for a while I actually deluded myself that I might be feeling something for him because I totally loved spending time with him. But no…there was nothing there. It added a lot of friction in the friendship and for the longest time I didn’t know how to resolve it. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend but at the same time I didn’t want him anything more than a friend. It was a very stressful time with a lot of emotional undercurrents from his side and me trying my best to save the friendship. Today we are in touch with each other but it is not the same. Sometimes he brings up this topic and predictably I clam up.

Now as a much older woman, I am at a similar position as Aishwarya’s character in the movie. I was in a no-strings relationship with a much younger guy till some time back. I genuinely did believe that I could pull off this no-strings relationship or friends with benefits equation I had with him. But I did get emotionally involved. It literally took my breath away when I realised my true feelings for him. There was no point in telling him because it was always based on no-strings attached equation and well lets say I had a fair bit of idea of what he felt about regular relationships. I hated (still do!) myself for landing in this situation. How could I allow it to happen? I wish I knew but the fact was that I had developed emotional feelings for him. For a while I decided to pretend that all was well but both of us realised that something was missing. I just wasn’t able to behave normally and well, in retrospect his behavior was equally weird if not more.

Nevertheless something had to give. I doubt if this no strings attached can actually work on a sustained basis for a longer period of time. It is just too fucking complicated. And if a practical person like me was able to develop feelings for this jerk then I feel it is going to be difficult for others as well.

Well suffice to say that it just doesn’t work for me. Either you can be good friends or you can totally spoil a good dish/friendship by adding benefits to it. It is super unlikely to work. It comes with a cautionary warning, you tread forth at your own risk.

 

2016: The Year That Was…

If I have to decide on the theme for this year, it would have to be transformation. I am just so so so very different from what I was at the beginning of 2016. And fortunately or unfortunately it is not a planned transformation. I never ever thought I would evolve the way I have over the course of the last 12 months.

Possibly the biggest transformation is on the professional front. I lost a client in 2015 for a short while. But it set me thinking that I should not put all the eggs in one basket. It was this thought process that led to the transformation this year. So 2016 turned out to be year of many firsts. I started a new venture, which is doing reasonably well. I hope it will pick up more traction in the coming year. Besides the new venture I added a few skills so it was good

I would say that this was also the year which I finally learned to say NO. I said no to a few projects which were unlikely to work for me. This is a huge issue with me and I think now I am slightly better than what I was. Otherwise earlier I would just take up projects because of people involved. Now I am slightly more aggressive and a lot of thought goes in before I actually commit to be a part of the project.

On the personal front I would say that most of the things stopped working in the last quarter of the year. Sometimes best laid plans never fructify and the life starts to unravel when you least expect it to. Suffice to say that I am barely staying afloat emotionally and sometimes find myself crying without any apparent trigger. It is the most emotionally draining period of my life. I felt devastated and emotionally ruined like never before.

The last quarter has been extremely sad and somewhat unfortunate. But at the same time I am somewhat surprised by my firm stance. While earlier I would have taken the most cautious but weak approach, this time I have instinctively decided to take a clean break. It might or might not work in the long run. I don’t know but I am ready to take a chance. I might be sorry later on but at least I won’t have anyone to blame. I am just so fucking done with people repeatedly breaking my trust. I would rather be alone than with people who hurt me.

Sometimes when life begins to unravel, one has to allow it to disintegrate because that is the only way it can be rebuilt. That doesn’t make the process any easier …especially when one is going through immense pain and emotional trauma. It is impossible to let it happen when one is not sure of ever coming out of it. But there is no running away from this process…one has to experience pain to rejuvenate and to let go of the past or a toxic relationship. A new structure cannot be built if a dilapidated structure is not razed to the ground.

In the end the year 2016 was a mixed bag. Some things worked while others failed miserably. I hope and pray 2017 will be a better year than 2016. I hope so I am….