To Walk Away Or To Stay Is The Question, My Friend…

As is obvious from the last few blog posts I am on a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride in the last few months. I have been trying to save my friendship with a person for whom I developed feelings. I suspect even he is trying to do the same because he is well aware of the fact that I got emotionally involved. But I find myself asking if it is even worth it?

Whenever in the past I have wanted to break a relationship I have just walked out without ever turning back. Clean break is what has worked for me. Always. I just never believed in slowly cutting off a relationship. I reckon it is more painful if you just postpone what is inevitable. More often than not we do realise that it is over but we are scared to walk away. I generally have not had this issue. Once I realise that I would just be aggravating my agony by staying in a dead relationship, I break all contact and simply just vanish from the person’s life.

This time it is different. For one the relationship is very intense. It started as a friendship led to hookup and then emotional involvement from my side. Any intense relationship is difficult to break off as I am slowly realising. It was easier to walk away from the previous relationships because my involvement was not so intense…

The second problem this time around is that I do have some professional dealings with this friend. Without going in the details I can say that I can easily walk away from this professional arrangement. In fact, even he can walk away from the professional or business dealing without any problem. Am I then just trying to save the friendship under the guise of the professional dealing? Do I then harbour a hope that the relationship can again be what it was? Should I not walk away just for my own sanity if nothing else?

When I think logically I feel it is possible to carry on with the business or professional dealings and totally ignore the emotional aspect. But when it comes to practice it is easier said than done. Talking to this friend is like walking in a minefield.

Many a times I don’t fuck have a clue as to what is going to elicit a strong reaction and why? Also, I feel deeply jealous if he mentions other women he might be having conversations with. I am in fact surprised by the ferocity and intensity of my reactions. Yesterday I was crying for a very long time after he just mentioned some inane conversation with another female friend. And any random mention of our own past association is enough to push me into an abyss of self pity. So how do I go along with professional arrangement in the circumstances?

It is pits…I want the past, which I don’t think is ever coming back again. But the hope that it might keeps me in this weird situation where I am unable to walk out and unable to accept the changed relationship. There is a song in hindi, which pretty much sums it, `Layi vi na gayee tah nibhayee vi na gayee‘, which basically means that neither was I able to love properly nor was I able to walk away.

Even in this state of self wallowing and self pity, I do realise that I have to ultimately walk away. It is going to be extremely painful…to not be able to ever talk to a friend who has been an important and a crucial part of your journey (both on professional and personal front) is unfathomable. And why? Because I am unable to handle my emotions? It sounds lame to me…

It is this back and forth between my mind and heart which has made my life somewhat troublesome and unliveable…



Why Don’t I Just Die?

Why don’t I just die? Unfortunately, this has become a recurring thought in my head now. No, I am not going to kill myself…I simply don’t have guts but I do feel an urge to just vanish or simply disappear from my present existence. I don’t enjoy the things I did a few months back. I don’t sleep well and I don’t feel like getting up in the morning, I don’t feel like living through the day…I would be very happy if someone else lived my life on my behalf.

My problems are also not big or for that matter unsurmountable but I just seem to lack the basic will to make it work. I feel it might be better if somebody else was living my life. I am not sure if I am even making any sense here but yeah these are the thoughts in my head.

So, I just decided to hold the bull by its horns in this particular blog to get to the root of the problem. I don’t have any major health issue; I don’t have any big financial issue. Thank God and touchwood!

But yes, my issues are emotional. The last six months have been a roller coaster ride and I don’t see an end to this mess. I discovered that my husband is having a second affair and unfortunately for various reasons I don’t have the option to walk out for two-to-three years. I feel total indifference for him but I still have to live with him for some time. But as if that wasn’t enough I fell in love with a friend, who I know doesn’t love me back. Maybe he does but definitely he doesn’t want a proper relationship. So, the last six months have seen the death of two relationships for me.

It can never ever be the same with this friend and it can never ever be the same with my husband. I am the loser in both the instances. I can never care for my husband the way I did and now I know that he never did. On the other hand, he has found love. I have also lost a good friend…maybe he will be there if I really need him but it is not the same. I used to talk to him all the time and he knew practically everything about me and now there is so much emotional baggage that it is difficult to have a normal conversation.

So you can well imagine, my self esteem is rock bottom right now and I am not sure if I can ever feel normal again. Sometimes I feel an urge to hold my head in my hands and burst into tears in the middle of a meal. I eat a lot of chocolates now but it doesn’t seem to be having any major ┬áimpact…I don’t know if this phase will ever end.