Why don’t I just die? Unfortunately, this has become a recurring thought in my head now. No, I am not going to kill myself…I simply don’t have guts but I do feel an urge to just vanish or simply disappear from my present existence. I don’t enjoy the things I did a few months back. I don’t sleep well and I don’t feel like getting up in the morning, I don’t feel like living through the day…I would be very happy if someone else lived my life on my behalf.
My problems are also not big or for that matter unsurmountable but I just seem to lack the basic will to make it work. I feel it might be better if somebody else was living my life. I am not sure if I am even making any sense here but yeah these are the thoughts in my head.
So, I just decided to hold the bull by its horns in this particular blog to get to the root of the problem. I don’t have any major health issue; I don’t have any big financial issue. Thank God and touchwood!
But yes, my issues are emotional. The last six months have been a roller coaster ride and I don’t see an end to this mess. I discovered that my husband is having a second affair and unfortunately for various reasons I don’t have the option to walk out for two-to-three years. I feel total indifference for him but I still have to live with him for some time. But as if that wasn’t enough I fell in love with a friend, who I know doesn’t love me back. Maybe he does but definitely he doesn’t want a proper relationship. So, the last six months have seen the death of two relationships for me.
It can never ever be the same with this friend and it can never ever be the same with my husband. I am the loser in both the instances. I can never care for my husband the way I did and now I know that he never did. On the other hand, he has found love. I have also lost a good friend…maybe he will be there if I really need him but it is not the same. I used to talk to him all the time and he knew practically everything about me and now there is so much emotional baggage that it is difficult to have a normal conversation.
So you can well imagine, my self esteem is rock bottom right now and I am not sure if I can ever feel normal again. Sometimes I feel an urge to hold my head in my hands and burst into tears in the middle of a meal. I eat a lot of chocolates now but it doesn’t seem to be having any major impact…I don’t know if this phase will ever end.
The intensity and the ferocity of my feelings shocked me…I almost physically felt the anger and passion simultaneously seeping in my bones. I felt an almost unbearable urge to annihilate myself in this fire, in this desire to make love to him in a most primal manner. Only, only this would provide me with some respite…
If I have to decide on the theme for this year, it would have to be transformation. I am just so so so very different from what I was at the beginning of 2016. And fortunately or unfortunately it is not a planned transformation. I never ever thought I would evolve the way I have over the course of the last 12 months.
Possibly the biggest transformation is on the professional front. I lost a client in 2015 for a short while. But it set me thinking that I should not put all the eggs in one basket. It was this thought process that led to the transformation this year. So 2016 turned out to be year of many firsts. I started a new venture, which is doing reasonably well. I hope it will pick up more traction in the coming year. Besides the new venture I added a few skills so it was good
I would say that this was also the year which I finally learned to say NO. I said no to a few projects which were unlikely to work for me. This is a huge issue with me and I think now I am slightly better than what I was. Otherwise earlier I would just take up projects because of people involved. Now I am slightly more aggressive and a lot of thought goes in before I actually commit to be a part of the project.
On the personal front I would say that most of the things stopped working in the last quarter of the year. Sometimes best laid plans never fructify and the life starts to unravel when you least expect it to. Suffice to say that I am barely staying afloat emotionally and sometimes find myself crying without any apparent trigger. It is the most emotionally draining period of my life. I felt devastated and emotionally ruined like never before.
The last quarter has been extremely sad and somewhat unfortunate. But at the same time I am somewhat surprised by my firm stance. While earlier I would have taken the most cautious but weak approach, this time I have instinctively decided to take a clean break. It might or might not work in the long run. I don’t know but I am ready to take a chance. I might be sorry later on but at least I won’t have anyone to blame. I am just so fucking done with people repeatedly breaking my trust. I would rather be alone than with people who hurt me.
Sometimes when life begins to unravel, one has to allow it to disintegrate because that is the only way it can be rebuilt. That doesn’t make the process any easier …especially when one is going through immense pain and emotional trauma. It is impossible to let it happen when one is not sure of ever coming out of it. But there is no running away from this process…one has to experience pain to rejuvenate and to let go of the past or a toxic relationship. A new structure cannot be built if a dilapidated structure is not razed to the ground.
In the end the year 2016 was a mixed bag. Some things worked while others failed miserably. I hope and pray 2017 will be a better year than 2016. I hope so I am….