Why don’t I just die? Unfortunately, this has become a recurring thought in my head now. No, I am not going to kill myself…I simply don’t have guts but I do feel an urge to just vanish or simply disappear from my present existence. I don’t enjoy the things I did a few months back. I don’t sleep well and I don’t feel like getting up in the morning, I don’t feel like living through the day…I would be very happy if someone else lived my life on my behalf.
My problems are also not big or for that matter unsurmountable but I just seem to lack the basic will to make it work. I feel it might be better if somebody else was living my life. I am not sure if I am even making any sense here but yeah these are the thoughts in my head.
So, I just decided to hold the bull by its horns in this particular blog to get to the root of the problem. I don’t have any major health issue; I don’t have any big financial issue. Thank God and touchwood!
But yes, my issues are emotional. The last six months have been a roller coaster ride and I don’t see an end to this mess. I discovered that my husband is having a second affair and unfortunately for various reasons I don’t have the option to walk out for two-to-three years. I feel total indifference for him but I still have to live with him for some time. But as if that wasn’t enough I fell in love with a friend, who I know doesn’t love me back. Maybe he does but definitely he doesn’t want a proper relationship. So, the last six months have seen the death of two relationships for me.
It can never ever be the same with this friend and it can never ever be the same with my husband. I am the loser in both the instances. I can never care for my husband the way I did and now I know that he never did. On the other hand, he has found love. I have also lost a good friend…maybe he will be there if I really need him but it is not the same. I used to talk to him all the time and he knew practically everything about me and now there is so much emotional baggage that it is difficult to have a normal conversation.
So you can well imagine, my self esteem is rock bottom right now and I am not sure if I can ever feel normal again. Sometimes I feel an urge to hold my head in my hands and burst into tears in the middle of a meal. I eat a lot of chocolates now but it doesn’t seem to be having any major impact…I don’t know if this phase will ever end.